My Lament

Posted on November 6, 2007. Filed under: Spiritual Musings |

I have some friends who are going through a rough patch right now. They are in a dark place just as I was for these past couple of years. I didn’t take the time to share any of my feelings or my pain with anyone else during that time, but it apparently showed much more than I thought it had. Some people have asked me what it was like for me to go through this Dark Night and I’m more than open about it. Lately (I guess) I was asked to write a Lament. My friend Lauren actually did write one after we had talked one day and I liked it. She has asked me to go ahead and write mine. Please understand that this Lament was my prayer during my dark time. If you’re offended by profanity either get over it real quick or don’t read this. If you get offended at people calling God out, leave, and P.S. don’t read the Psalms.

My Psalm 88

I hate hearing these words myself but they need to be said: God, we need to talk. As a matter of fact, I know in all actuality it’s going to be me doing all the talking because as we know, you don’t talk back (well not to peons like me anyway, right?) I have been miserable for years now and to be honest I know where the blame lies. I know where I am at fault and I’ve done what I needed to do to make amends….but now what?

I’ve kept up with praying, I’ve kept up with devotions, I’ve ministered to those in distress but you count me out. Where’s my help? Where’s your consolation when I need it? And I already know what you and your people will say, “You’re just being selfish, think about others.” Two words, Fuck Them! What about where I’m going? What about my family? You might be forgetting in that omnipotent brain of yours that they are affected by everything that happens to me too. Unless of course you’re just doing this for shits and giggles, then you’re just a capricious god who shouldn’t be looked up to.

I have no idea why I’m going through the shit that I’m going through. What I think is hilarious to hear is people saying, “Just hang in there, God is doing this for a reason.” All I can think of in return is, “I’ll be damned, so God is the one fucking up everything for me…when is he going to give it a rest?”

Do you want me dead? Is that it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just wanted to let go of the steering wheel and let the car go over a bridge. How glorious is that for you? But in the end, I’d feel like you’d won. “God doesn’t test us with what we can’t handle.” Wanting to kill myself is your idea of a good test huh? In my mind that makes you more of an asshole than a God.

You know, one good day, one bit of good news, one good thing would help brighten up my day. It would make the last 3/3 ½ years seem okay. But not once have I gotten good news, not once has there been a ray of sunshine in my shitty life. If it’s not one thing it’s another. But you know what? It’s like owing $70,000 to some place and being told your now going to owe another 3,000. At this point, who the hell cares right? You sure as hell don’t.

Those little promise books I see about you, they’re so cute because they’re such bullshit. I’ve relied on your promises and time and again you’ve been proving to me that you are not a God who fulfills his promises. You can’t be trusted. If there is a time I believed without wavering it was then, of course, because I had nothing else to do but believe you would help or give wisdom or something. Nothing. Thanks a lot jackass.

You know, I wouldn’t be thinking that you were such a jerk if it weren’t for the fact that EVERY time I pray, something really really bad happens. EVERY TIME! What the hell is up with that? Are you kidding me? I’ve asked my friends to stop praying for me simply so that bad shit will quit happening to me. Are you dyslexic? Maybe you’ve gotten confused on some issues here. I’m not even asking for good stuff, I’m just asking you to stop fucking with me and dicking me around. Come down from here fucking tower and have it out with me. But I know you won’t. You’re the “mysterious” type. If I have to, I will beat down your damn gates. I just want an answer from you. I don’t even want your help anymore, just tell me when it’s going to end, let me know when it will be over and that will relieve so much anxiety.

Thanks I guess for listening to me, and to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit if you’re offended. You should be big enough to handle it. I’m just tired….lonely and tired. Just please stop.

It feels awkward to write that. But at the same time, the feelings of hurt and frustration are still fresh. I’ve come a long way in the short amount of time I’ve had on my road to “recovery” but at the very least, I’ve come out a lot stronger and a lot wiser. I’m much more at peace with myself, my friends, my family and my God. I couldn’t pray that prayer now but I hope I will never have to pray it again.


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4 Responses to “My Lament”

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Here is the lament from my good friend, Maurice’s sister, Ro.
Ro’s Lament

This is the lovable Lauren’s lament.
Lauren’s Lament

This is kind of fucked up, but it’s nice to see I’m not the only one – Not that I wish you pain or anything. Sometimes it’s just feels good to see someone saying what you wish you could. Thanks for putting it all out there.

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