A Musing on Sex

Posted on July 6, 2007. Filed under: Spiritual Musings |

Once again, I have guest blogged for my friend Maurice’s site.  This one is on sex.  It shouldn’t be taken necessarily as a blog on just premarital sex but on extra-marital, intra-marital, etc.  Please comment if you like, don’t let it just sit and stew in you.  Blast me if you want, just don’t do it on Maurice’s Board (I get nailed there enough already).  I would rather have dialogue than enmity. 

Peace   Musing on Sex


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5 Responses to “A Musing on Sex”

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Alright passa, I’ll bite.

I’ll note here that your blog wasn’t specific (at least, not blatantly) to premarital sex, but that everything that I’m writing here applies to premarital sex ALONE. We can talk breaking promises and adultery some other time, ’cause it’s a separate issue. 😉

Oh, and this is long and rambling.

I think that the idea that “premarital sex is wrong” is, more often than not, based on either faulty theology or faulty psychology. Since you’ve already conceded that scripture doesn’t make any clear reference to the idea that it’s “bad” (so we’ll scrap the faulty theology), we’ll go with the psychology aspect.

I agree with you that sex is an intense thing. I also agree with you that a lot of people do it for selfish reasons… which often ruins the experience and breaks apart their partner.

But there are several things I have qualms with.

For one, the idea of prolonged gratification. Now, I think that people give up a lot of things for a lot of good reasons. People give up meat for health, for their spirituality, for compassion toward their animals… but not everyone gives up meat. There are people who don’t think that premarital sex is “wrong”, who don’t have sex with the person they know they’re going to marry (or do, but not within a particular span before they get married), so that having sex on their honeymoon will be like “opening a present”. That’s GREAT, and they’re right… prolonging the experience makes it, in many ways, a more enjoyable experience. But for those who don’t feel the need or don’t have such ambition, they don’t need to be made to feel guilty. Unless having something that you want when you want it is somehow damaging or unhealthy, there are many things that we want that we have when we want them, that there’s nothing wrong with inherantly. We don’t (generally) write long blogs about microwaved popcorn or remote controls, because there’s nothing WRONG with those things. There’s nothing inherantly wrong with instant gratification. It gets as much of a bad wrap as sex does, but in and of itself, it’s not harmful. It’s the byproducts of instant gratification (getting fat from sitting on the couch eating microwaved popcorn flipping channels, for example) that cause a problem… and those kinds of things can be remedied in other ways. Instant gratification isn’t inherantly evil. It CAN be good… like waiting until after dinner to have cake. It can ALSO be bad… like refusing to drink water when you’re dehydrated. But false guilty over indulging in some healthy instant gratification, is often more damaging than any other result of instant gratification. I don’t get fat, for example, if I’m hungry and I eat some microwaved popcorn. But if I let myself get depressed over my guilt from microwaving the popcorn?

The other thing you brought up was selfishness. I can agree with you that when someone has sex selfishly, or for their own selfish reasons, it often causes hurt to the other person. It causes MORE hurt when they’re DISHONEST. I can’t say selfishness ALWAYS causes hurt, but I can say that, in my own experience, it’s been rare that it DOESN’T. That said, I can’t agree with the sentiment that every instance of premarital sex IS inherantly “selfish” (or selfish in an unhealthy way. To a certain extent, everything we do regarding ourselves is selfish.) I’ve seen a lot of couples have incredibly healthy and giving sexual relationships with partners they’re not married to. What I have, unfortunately, ALSO seen, are incredibly unhealthy sexual relationships caused by one or both partners having decided that what they’re doing is “already wrong”, so they might as well not try and be selfless in the bedroom. I’ve seen people who have decided that premarital sex is inherantly selfish, so there’s no point in trying NOT to be selfish in the bedroom. I have a friend *ahem* who’s mentioned that he’s selfish when he has sex with his girlfriend, and that’s why he feels guilty about it, because he’s selfish because premarital sex is selfish. I reminded him (and will remind you), “Um, hon, you’re selfish in the bedroom because you’re being selfish. That’s not going to go away with a shiny ring on your finger.” (and I’ve known PLENTY of married folk who are selfish with their spouse in the bedroom.) And neither is it impossible to remedy WITHOUT said shiny ring, but my friend has found himself an out (I don’t have to be selfless in the bedroom with my girlfriend because she should expect me to be selfish because premarital sex is selfish), and it’s hard to overcome that.

The other issue is breakups. I bet (although I don’t know that you said it) that we probably agree that having sex during a relationship makes a breakup harder. Why? Because you’ve shared something incredibly intimate with another person. You’ve been completely (physically) vulnerable, and often (although not always) also emotionally vulnerable to them, and they have, in a way, communicated to you that that’s not good enough for them. There’s a lot of baggage that goes with that. However… I consider that a WARNING to people getting ready to have sex with their partner, and not necessarily an immediate BANNING. It’s something that you need to KNOW, something that has to be admitted. But not necessarily something that should keep you from doing it. If a person can’t be honest with themselves, they’re going to have a hard time in a relationship, sex or no sex. But if they can’t be honest with themselves about SEX, then the sex is going to fuck them over. The problem is, they walk out of the relationship blaming sex for that. “Sex lied to me.” No, you lied to yourself. “I shouldn’t have had sex.” No, you should have been real about what the sex MEANT. Relationships are close. They should be as close as the people in them feel is right and healthy for them. Breakups are HARD… and the closer you are, the harder the breakup. But when we see our friends hesitate to get close to someone they love out of fear that it will make a breakup harder, we encourage them not to give into their fear, and that yes, it may be hard, but it’s worth it. I would, cautiously, venture to say the same thing about sex.

We’re too good at blameshifting, and even when we can concede that sex is a good thing, we’re still willing to blame it when things go badly for us, or when we hurt people. We hurt people by being dishonest, selfish, heartless, and careless. I once told an ex-boyfriend of mine, “Don’t apologize to me for having sex with me. The sex wasn’t that bad. Apologize to me for being an asshole. THAT was what hurt me.”

Peace, dear, and sorry for being so long and rambling on your blog.

(shit. I think my comment is longer than the blog itself! Okay, if you want, you can call me conceited NOW. 😉 PS-I’m still not following the thread, although I’m sure it’s going better than the last conversation on the issue.)

No problems with the blog; just musing on the humor of you blogging about sexual responsibility and then commenting on how frequently you get “nailed” on Maurice’s board….

English idiom…such an odd and mutable thing…. *g*

Evie is suddenly becoming a good friend.

Mo-Mo just messaged me to tell me that he tattled on me. 😀

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