Maybe, just maybe…

Posted on May 31, 2007. Filed under: Spiritual Musings |

It’s late at night and I’ve been thinking about something.  Everyone knows what kind of funk I’ve been in.  It just seems as though nothing has gone right for a year and a half.  You feel sick inside and even your soul becomes sick after a while.  For almost two years I refused to leave the house (unless practically dragged out) and then when I would leave to go somewhere I’d wander off to a quiet corner and sit in silence. 

But here lately, I’ve thought to myself, “If I really want a change, if I want to get back to where I used to be I need to get out again.”  I’ve been out of the house more often in the past four weeks than I have been in the last year….and this has caused me to really think.

Good Titus and Bad Titus don’t normally like to be held for very long.  But every once in a while, Good and Bad Titus gets sick or gets really tired or gets hurt and simply needs to be held (not wants to be held but needs to be held).  Just sits there and waits, waits until it seems like it’s okay to come back out.  It makes me wonder if that’s not what is happening with me.

Maybe, with all of the hurt, all of the crap, all of the bad news I’ve gotten (almost without any good news in-between), I’ve just climbed into the lap of God and I just haven’t been ready to get up.  It’s not that God made the move towards me, nor did he do anything while I sat there (I’m speaking metaphorically, please don’t give me the ‘God is always doing stuff’ line cuz I’ll have to hit you) just like I don’t need to always do something with Good and Bad Titus when sitting in my own lap.  As a matter of fact, I doubt there’s even a realization that there’s a lap being sat in.

 Maybe I’m in the same position.  Maybe I’m sitting in the lap of God, just being held, without even realizing that I’m being comforted.  Maybe I need to 1) realize that’s what’s happening and 2) maybe the reason I’m getting out more often is because I’m ready now to be let back down off of that lap. 

 I don’t know, I don’t want to speculate.  But maybe, just maybe…


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